burden

Everything is crumbling around me. I thought when i decided to move back home that things were going to get better but i was so wrong. I can't pay my rent, i can't pay my phone bill i have other bills that need to be paid and noting is going right. My knee is huge and i honestly think i'm getting depressed, i can't control my moods they are so all over the place. My best friend doesn't know how to be my best friend and i need someone to be tehre to just hold me when i ned to cry and he can't even do that. I'm losing it and i feel like i'm bringing my family down with me, i'm not a suicidal person at all and i would never want to end my life i just wish i wasn't such a burden on my life and the life of my family.

And Then There is You

You've had me wrapped around your finger since my freshman year. I don't know how it happened or why, I would have dropped my entire world for you in a heartbeat. Now that things have changed and we are both doing our own thing in different lives, when you ditch and change things it hurts worse then before. For whatever reason you have this hold on me and I can't make it let go. No matter how hard I try it doesn't matter, I end up right back where I started. I should know better by now, I should know from experience that you WILL let me down, but I keep rooting for you and crossing my fingers that you'll prove me and everyone else wrong. And then, the one night where all the sudden out of nowhere I think your going to prove me wrong, at the last second, you had to prove me right. I really did think that I was the exception, that every once in a while you wanted me, that you wanted to show that I was worth it. I know better now, and i hope you know I loved you, but I can't sit here and watch you circle the drain.

Love Love Love Love Crazy Love

I spent the weekend at my parents house and every time i leave i feel so loved. They take such good care of me and love me so much it's crazy. No matter how much crap is happening in my life they always seem to make it better. I just can't believe how much they love me :)

Screw up

I know my last post was about how wonderfull and amazing my parents are and that hasn't changed at all. If anything it's increased but i feel like the biggest screw up in. They are talking to me resonably and being considerate, i wish they would yell and tell me i'm an F up and that i need to get my act together because this is BS. But no they tell me they love me and help me. I feel like a disapointment in every way possible, I can't keep letting them down like this because if it's not killing them it's killing me knowing that i am letting them down, I hate myself more then anything right now and i can't handle it. I feel like i'm letting so many people down and it's not just this last couple of days or the last week it's the last couple of months. I couldn't help brandon enough i lied to my parents of all people when i needed them the most, I'm an idiot and i HAVE to get out of this God forsaken rut i'm in or i'm screwed.

Blessed in SO many ways

Ya know i started blogging again so that i could get all my feelings out on the line without having to sound like a vagina to my guy friends, and yes things suck butt right now and are extremely hard. But through all of this the one person who has never stopped telling me i could do this and that no matter what he would be proud of me is my dad. I though for sure with all the screwing up I've done in the last couple of months that he would be utterly disappointed in me, but yet again tonight he proves me wrong by telling me it's just a fork in the road and I'll get over in time and until that time comes to keep trying and he'll keep helping and loving me. My mom is the same way, I've been having all these troubles with friends and yet my mom is always the best voice to hear on the other side of the phone. It amazes me how God could bless me with the two greatest people in the world as my parents. Sure I'm and 18 year old girl, we fight and have our differences but in the end, i know when i close my eyes to sleep at night that they love me more then life itself and when i wake up in the morning they are only going to love me more, and really that should make me want to be more then the pathetic person i am right now. Honestly i don't think i would have made it this far in my life with the struggles I've had to go through to only be 18 if i didn't have the parents i have. I'm a daddy's girl and my mom is my best friend. I might be struggling but I'm realizing how truly blessed i really am.

I'm Done

I think i'm going to start treating my "friends" the way they treat me, I'm going to start making plans with them and then let them know that something better came up and inform them that I won't be hanging out with them till that something better is over. I HATE the way they ALL make me feel like a pile of dog crap on the bottom of their shoe. So if for whatever reason a friend of mine is reading this, be prepared, cause honestly just one time I would like you to feel what I feel every time we make plans. So thank you, cause it's called Karma. I'm done letting you think that i'll always be around cause here's a news flash, i won't.

Just For Me

I'm going to start blogging again I've decided, not for anyone to read, though if you do it's fine, but more to get my feelings out. Plus I'm not a big writer...like with a pen or pencil. So here it goes, blog #1

This is going to be a lot of complaining...but right now no one else cares so I'm going to gripe and complain as much as i want. My 3 best friends left for school as did i at the end of this summer. Ben left to do YWAM in Montana Rolf left to Nyack in NY and Martin to George Fox, and myself just down the road to Western Oregon. I don't have a good track record with friends and in the past year that I've invested my time and heart into these friends they genuinely made me think that they were going to be different from all the rest, well coming to find out, I read them completely wrong. Martin left and things were good we talked often and then things went downhill. Rolf just left we've talked once and it was the greatest phone call I've ever received in my life. Then Ben got a little girl friend before he left and she's all he wants to talk to. Cara Ben's girl is now one of my greatest friends ever, but the feeling of him telling me to leave the room so he can skype her is the worst feeling in the world. i would never tell Cara how bad it actually hurts me cause she adores him and i don't want to ruin that, but the fact that he'll call her when I'm with her and I'll get an "oh yeah um hey ken, yeah i miss you.....can you leave so i can talk to Cara?" I'm sorry but i don't think that when you think someone is your best friend you tell them to leave cause you've talked twice since the two months you've been gone. Then there is Martin again, he just makes me feel horrible about myself. He makes it obvious that he is talking to everyone but me. i don't know what i did in the last two months to make me so repulsive to them but honestly i can only put on a front for so long till i burst. I want to feel loved and genuinely missed and wanted by the 3 people i invested so much of my life in. I gave them parts of me that was hard cause they made me think they were going to help mend those old shitty pieces. but really they just took them as souvenirs. I love wearing a smile and replying to the once in a decade note that says "hey" with a smiley face, but it's make me weaker and weaker and make me feel less and less of myself and i know it's not good. I'm ready to feel they way they make everyone else feel. Loved, Wanted, Missed, hell just though about.

Everlasting smile

Think back on your life...Think about the times you were lonely, sad, depressed and needed someone to lean on. Think about all the times you needed someone to listen to you, someone to let you know everything is okay. What if there was a solution for all those times you were lonely, a way to make you feel better when sad, and even better when happy. Well, there is. Jesus Christ. He'll love you in every situation, every heartbreak, every argument. All you have to do is ask him to be in your life. He has made my life better then i could ever asked for. He is my best friend, by everlasting father, my everything and no matther what happens he'll never leave me. Just thinking about the fact that i'll never be alone makes me smile :)