Just For Me

I'm going to start blogging again I've decided, not for anyone to read, though if you do it's fine, but more to get my feelings out. Plus I'm not a big writer...like with a pen or pencil. So here it goes, blog #1

This is going to be a lot of complaining...but right now no one else cares so I'm going to gripe and complain as much as i want. My 3 best friends left for school as did i at the end of this summer. Ben left to do YWAM in Montana Rolf left to Nyack in NY and Martin to George Fox, and myself just down the road to Western Oregon. I don't have a good track record with friends and in the past year that I've invested my time and heart into these friends they genuinely made me think that they were going to be different from all the rest, well coming to find out, I read them completely wrong. Martin left and things were good we talked often and then things went downhill. Rolf just left we've talked once and it was the greatest phone call I've ever received in my life. Then Ben got a little girl friend before he left and she's all he wants to talk to. Cara Ben's girl is now one of my greatest friends ever, but the feeling of him telling me to leave the room so he can skype her is the worst feeling in the world. i would never tell Cara how bad it actually hurts me cause she adores him and i don't want to ruin that, but the fact that he'll call her when I'm with her and I'll get an "oh yeah um hey ken, yeah i miss you.....can you leave so i can talk to Cara?" I'm sorry but i don't think that when you think someone is your best friend you tell them to leave cause you've talked twice since the two months you've been gone. Then there is Martin again, he just makes me feel horrible about myself. He makes it obvious that he is talking to everyone but me. i don't know what i did in the last two months to make me so repulsive to them but honestly i can only put on a front for so long till i burst. I want to feel loved and genuinely missed and wanted by the 3 people i invested so much of my life in. I gave them parts of me that was hard cause they made me think they were going to help mend those old shitty pieces. but really they just took them as souvenirs. I love wearing a smile and replying to the once in a decade note that says "hey" with a smiley face, but it's make me weaker and weaker and make me feel less and less of myself and i know it's not good. I'm ready to feel they way they make everyone else feel. Loved, Wanted, Missed, hell just though about.